Weight Loss & Other Stories

Day 1 "Fight that fat, fight that bloody fat, Fight that life fucking fat. "shouted Basky, the Gym Instructor. Kuku was on the elliptical, burning his 900th calorie. By the time he got out of the elliptical, his foot was numb, and his body drenched in sweat. "Master, I feel good. I think I have more in me. Give me more." Kuku said with a pale face. "This is what I want; with this aggression alone, you can lose that 10 kilos in a week," shouted Basky again. "So, what's next Master?" "Next is your melting time, Lets steam out the excess water in you " Kuku was told sit in a little dark room with a small pink towel barely covering his sagging backpack. Once the steam was released, Kuku suffocated but still held his headstrong. He said to himself "if it doesn't kill me, it can only make me only stronger." (Kuku's skin says: It's not just water idiot, it's the electrolyte with all essential minerals and stuff) After a life-draining bath, Kuku in a semiconscious state tried to get out of the tiny room with Great Spirit. "I did it, Master, I feel so light already……" saying these words Kuku fell on the gym floor unconscious. (Kuku's Heart says: Good God he got unconscious before killing me)

Kuku woke up tired the next morning, the gym session last evening was hallucinating him still. With all the remaining consciousness, he managed to move into the kitchen and prepare his first energy drink alias the national drink, The Tea. It served him the dual purpose of an energy drink as well as the laxative.

Kuku was not ready for a gym that day, and he decided to cut down on calories instead. The first cut was the breakfast. The logic? When I don’t eat how in the world, I can get fat – Point taken. (Kuku’s Stomach: Dude, it’s been more than 10 hours and this sugar syrup is all that you got for me?) After the easy decision of skipping the breakfast came the big decision of which pant to wear. There were 50 odd pants in Kuku’s closet, and most of them were the ones which he used to wear during his college days. Now those pants hardly reach Kuku’s thighs however he continues to retain them anticipating the day when he gets a slimmer waist like that of Hrithik’s and thunder thighs like that of Amisha Patel. Kuku was searching for his 7 possible pant options which unfortunately are mixed up with the other ones. This mix up will not only waste an average of 20 minutes a day to find the right pant but will also irritate him to the core for being filthy fat. Meanwhile, the daily experience helped Kuku in finding his pant for the day in a record 12 minutes, and he spent an additional 5 minutes putting the hip button. (Kuku tummy says: Seriously? Do you think by wearing a plus-sized slim fit pant, you look thinner? You are harassing me, dude. Please loosen up.)

At Kuku’s office, if there is someone who was liked by everyone, then it was him. The reason: Kuku is fat and hence innocent; he can’t work extra hard to impress the boss, and finally he can’t grab anybody’s girlfriend, so he’s a safe bet. Now why girls like him? The reason: Kuku is a fat person, and he is like a big brother/sister to them (sister because they want to gossip with him). Kuku being a male, serve them the purpose of letting them know what goes through Men’s mind without sounding vulgar. But what goes through Kuku’s mind was nobody’s concern. He almost falls in love with every girl at the office but couldn’t get lucky as he was more of a fatherly figure than a boyfriend figure

That evening a party was arranged at the office, and Kuku got an invite. Kuku’s friend cum Junior, Mangal gave the party as he was celebrating his first love anniversary with Anjali. Anjali was Kuku’s senior and his first crush at the office. Incidentally, it was Kuku who was instrumental in getting both Mangal and Anjali hitched. He took Mangal with him every time he wanted to meet Anjali. The more the attempt he made the bond between Mangal and Anjali strengthened. At the party, both Mangal and Anjali were all praise for Kuku, thanking him with their hearts out as if he was the mahatma for the lean young lovers like them. The highlight of the party was Anjali hugging Kuku and declaring to the world that she has got a new elder brother (Looks extra fat has increased Kuku’s age as well) Kuku left the party in the middle skipping the cake and the food. His heart was brimming with anger and eyes with tears. If there was something empty that time, then it was Kuku’s stomach. With all the anger, he opened his fridge and took out his month’s stock of butterscotch ice cream. He tried to cool down his passion with the chill butterscotch. Kuku needed the entire inventory to soothe him and his stomach.

That night Kuku couldn’t sleep, he got angry and decided to do something about the situation. He wanted to be the person he aspired for and started to plan his schedule from scratch. With all his determination, he decided to give a fresh start and thankfully that night was not in his plan. He grabbed the family pack potato chips and munched it to eternity, saying that he will miss it for a long time to come.

Day 3 The previous night, Kuku had researched on the best diet plan to lose weight and after browsing through various diet plans; he deciphered onto the one which he felt had better reviews and would be easy for him to stick on. It says, have breakfast like a king and keep eating every three hours to be thin. Kuku grabbed the concept like a python catching a wild pig. The other thing he decided was not to miss his gym sessions on any account. He ate his breakfast as if it would be the last meal of his life. As per his calculation, he packed six food packets into his bag and left for the office. He was strictly adhering to the 3-hour food concept, and as if this was not enough, he didn’t miss the tea sessions with his colleagues and always ended with a plate of samosa.

That evening Kuku went to the gym fighting all his resistance and laziness. Once he saw his master Basky, all his sluggishness vanished into thin air. "Why didn't you come yesterday?" asked Basky. "I am sorry, Sir; I was carried away by laziness. But this will be my last excuse you shall ever hear sir" said Kuku as if he was taking oath on an Independence Day. A bit shaken by Kuku's uncalled comments, Basky said, "Ok, ok. Get back to action, start stretching." Kuku started stretching with his fingers when an older man at the gym came near and asked, "Why don't you work out with the weights? They are good for you." Without hesitation, Kuku replied, "I am not keen on building eight packs; I just need a simple body with a flat belly." The Old man starred at Kuku and said, "I am doing weight training for the past 30 years, and I am yet to get a six-pack, and you think you will become Arnold overnight just by working on weights. God bless you, child."